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Hot Flashes - Form follows functionBy Sue LangenbergUse or lose it, is the way it goes when it comes to our evolved selves. Everything from body parts to brain functioning is, fortunately or unfortunately, a reflection of what we do with them. With that observation, it seems that humans have evolved to present day with wisdom teeth that are no longer necessary for tearing up fast food or a tail bone with no function except to fall on now and then and have to stand around until it heals. For that matter, there are organs that we think we have outgrown, like those that cause appendicitis attacks or tonsils that seemed all the rage to remove at various times. It will be interesting to see how the human body evolves in future archeological digs. That is, once the diggers get past the garbage bags designed to last thousands of years, or the outdated cell phones still attached to the skulls of users. A layer beneath that will reveal only human remains shaped like office furniture that holds computers. Eye sockets will be enlarged to encase the permanent screen-popping boing-yoing eyeballs with no peripheral vision. The facial muscles will gradually disappear into staring mode, except an occasional scowl when the system is down. From upper body to hand will be arms shaped like a computer mouse on the right and "enter" key on the left. No biceps will be necessary. Legs will rapidly become extinct from lack of use at the advent of chairs that roll from screen to refrigerator to microwave. What archeologists and historians in the future digs might find interesting is that my ex-husband is single-handedly responsible for the first decline in human activity. Long before the computer age, Conrad Langencouch, declared exercise a form of media harassment. Having not the slightest inclination to move around, his deadpan comment was, "my body is just a cage for my head." This as he peered above an open book propped on his stomach. He snickered at body builders and mused that their heads were proportionately too small for their greased muscles. He scoffed at joggers, runners and everything-elsers who had the nerve to look happy while exercising. He detested bicycling and hiking. They seemed inefficient, especially when there's a perfectly good car in the garage for transportation. Lifting weights was dull and caused that unpleasant sweat. He claimed that he got enough exercise crawling under the car to change the oil, carry groceries to the house and reaching into his wallet. About the time that his hair disappeared, a protruding stomach appeared. His chest was sinking and his arms were shrinking. The stomach, he justified, was there for storage of beef and fat for the future. He might stand up some day, after all. It didn't seem to bother him a bit that his stomach arrived in the room five minutes after he did. And so it was, Langencouch remained horizontal for much of the latter 20th century. By the time the computer age arrived, he quickly developed an aversion to them. There were no bolts to turn or oil to change. Besides, he couldn't hold the monitor properly to read on the couch. Soon, Langencouch was rarely seen upright. The last time I saw him, there was nothing left of his body to determine any detail. He had turned into a horizontal book stand with a hairless dome overhead. His glasses prescription was thicker than the book that he held. If I remember correctly, he was reading about the healthy effects of exercise. Can you relate? If you would like to comment on Hot Flashes, Sue can be reached via E-mail at thewritehag@yahoo.com, or pa@prairie-advocate-news.com.
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