What’s On Your Mind? -What Happened to Annie?

By Bob Herman, LCSW

Most of the subjects my patients bring up in their therapy have been researched and written about for decades: identity, closeness, trust, parent-child relationships, sexuality, conflict and ambivalence, creativity, assertiveness, etc. But there is one subject that crops up in my office surprisingly often, yet seems never to get serious attention in the psychology books: the importance of a non-family figure in the home who offers parental closeness to that child. [These figures have been noticed by someone, however. Writers and filmmakers know that readers and viewers relate to these characters.] He or she might be a childcare person or “nanny” (a Mary Poppins), a housekeeper or servant (like Annie, the housekeeper, in It’s A Wonderful Life), farmhands (like Hickory, Hunk and Zeke in The Wizard of Oz) or even a boarder. [Similarly important parent-like figures also appear outside the home. Santiago, the old fisherman in Hemingway’s novel, has an apprentice, Manolin – a boy who is devoted to him, loves him, believes in him and learns life’s lessons from him.] What’s important about all these figures is the emotional bond they have with a child in that home – often more intimate than the child’s bond to the parent! And that may be why we, as a culture, don’t wish to acknowledge the importance of these relationships. Apple pie, baseball and the primacy of the parent-child relationship – who would tamper with that?

But the heart has its reasons, and however determined we are to “design” our children’s attachments, a child’s heart will not be managed by anyone. Many patients have let me know, directly or indirectly, that they treasure (and often “survived” because of) the closeness they once had with a “hired” figure (or, sometimes, a grandparent or other relative). They acknowledge their love for this person and their gratitude ….. and sometimes they wonder, “What happened to Annie?”

Because these relationships are thought of by parents as functional (hired personnel), not familial, the usual ceremonies and rituals that are part of family relationships – rituals that make us aware of and assert our special closeness and connection to just a very few people – are not observed for these figures. Mary Poppins may spend far more time with Michael and Jane as does their mother and may even be closer to them… but she will not get a card on Mother’s Day. Though we see in the film, It’s a Wonderful Life, that Annie is as responsible as the parents for the children’s upbringing, will not appear in the family’s annual Christmas photo. And there will be no decorated cake at dinner for the birthdays of Hickory, Hunk and Zeke. Yet, in each story we get a strong hint of just how important these figures are to the children. At an emotional level, these story characters may be described as the kindred spirits that no kin has been. Michael and Jane – Mary Poppins’ charges – are saddened by the inability of their parents to simply “play” with them. Mary provides that connection for them and rescues them from depression. And when Dorothy must find her way through her nightmare journey to Oz, it is not Aunt Em and Uncle Henry but the kindly farmhands who comfort her and help her know her feelings.

To appreciate the depth of such non-family relationships is not easy. I offer two examples of patients who were “raised” by a housekeeper from the time they were born. One spent every day with the housekeeper after school, talking over the news of the day and her personal problems …..until the time she went off to college! During those eighteen years, neither biological parent was ever able to be emotionally reliable. Only the housekeeper could be trusted to be there consistently. This relationships transcended “employment”. Even after leaving for college (and after the housekeeper left her job with the family), my patient sought her out regularly. Another patient spent much of his time with the housekeeper during his first ten years of his life, until she became ill and had to quit. Years later, he remains angry that no one told him about the seriousness of her condition. His parents arranged no visit for him to say goodbye during the year before she succumbed to her illness. When children become so deeply attached to caretaking figures, they must also to be able mourn these figures when they are “lost”, whether through separation or death, but this rarely happens. We cannot imagine never having a chance to say goodbye to a loved natural parent when death comes, yet these central “hired” figures are simply “let go”. No opportunity is believed necessary for a “goodbye”. Such losses that are never mourned may lead to depression without the depressed person ever knowing why. The question “What happened to Annie?” should never arise. Once an Annie has been with a child’s life, day after day and year after year, has soothed his tears, heard his fears, listened to his adventures, guided his behavior, celebrated his developmental milestones, etc., she is a parent! A chance to say farewell or to mourn such a special figure is the right of a child who has been lucky enough to have had this unexpected gift of love and caring – love that no wages can explain.

If there was an Annie in your childhood, I’d like to interview you, at your convenience. I hope to gather many stories that will help us to understand the importance of the non-family members of our home and how they influence our lives. Please email me at mail4bobh@gmail.com or phone me at (815) 312-6463.