Hot Flashes - Calling All Humans

By Sue Langenberg

The population stats say that the earth has begat about a jillion human beings these days. And further predictions hike up more people than resources can provide for.

If you're stuck in traffic or stand in a bank line, you can appreciate what overpopulation does to our patience. But pick up the phone, and all bets are off. There is not a human out there from here to the moon.

I tried it the other day to call for service information about my internet/landline/cable bill, and I do use the word "service" with a saw-toothed vibrato in my voice. By the time I shouted "yes" and "no" a few times and punched in a few routing numbers, my hair had turned white and another chin fell. To say nothing about running out of available time in my working life to shout at recordings.

And then when you finally get that live human, your nerves are such on edge that you cannot possibly conduct a lucid communication. My language got so blue once from my cell phone that a tower outside town nearly melted down. It was in response to an internet bill from a service that I had long since changed. The return service was the Wizard of Oz, and there were no humans there, either, to hear out my wrath.

When I finally did get a live person about my current problem the other day, I tried to explain to her that I had an extra land line that just served the computer. I wanted to get rid of that line. "It has a different number," I patiently explained, "it could belong to the person next door or someone in Siberia."

She was cheerful enough, spoke English, but didn't get it. I then went into the background my telephone lines with a little Pony Express information thrown in just for a little historical perspective. She was really lost then since she was probably hatched out of an IPod.

She finally got it when I told her that a live human ­ that is one with arms, legs, basic knowledge of phone lines and one that the corporation does not want to pay or cover medical benefits for ­ would have to actually show up at my house and rewire.

I would then answer the door and have a live conversation with this human ­ a dialogue that requires no recordings, beeps or punching numbers.

So, I figure if "you can't beat'em, join'em," or as Nelson Mendella's wisdom instructs, "learn about your enemy." Why lie down and be a victim just waiting for the next tantrum when you can't find a human being anywhere?

I decided that my answering machine would be my personal firewall against all those techie gismos, as the geeks might say in 'net language." My greeting will waste everyone else's time, also:

"Hello, you have reached thewritehag of the "Hot Flashes" column. Please listen carefully to your menu options. If you hate this week's column, press ONE. If you want to run it, anyway, press TWO and just send the check.

"If you are a bill collector, solicitor or obnoxious recording about giving to any cause other than my own Titanic finances, stay on the line so that I can reach through the phone and strangle your snaky neck.

"If you are a friend, I'm probably here but refuse to answer the phone because I am in recovery from the last phone call.

"If you are a friend bringing an expensive bottle of wineOh, ah Hello! Come right over!" It's always a pleasure to talk to a human.

Can you relate? If you would like to comment on Hot Flashes, Sue can be reached via E-mail at thewritehag@yahoo.com, or pa@prairie-advocate-news.com.

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